A Post About the Fourth


This post probably should open with the obligatory fireworks and USA chants. Seriously though, if this post ends up being much more than a rant on America’s greatness I will be pleasantly surprised.

I have to say that the fourth of July is probably one of the best holidays of the year. It combines food and fireworks…two things that all American’s must love and unlike New Year’s takes place during a time of year when the weather is not chilly enough to give a yeti hypothermia.

It’s weird that we are the “greatest nation on earth” (cue fireworks) and yet we are so fucked up.

We live in a state where our health care system is in shambles (the Surgeon General is unable to comment on the exact state because he has been on hold with his health insurance company for the last 6 months trying to figure out whether is bi-annual dental checkup is covered, our education system is so bad that there is no individual educated in the United States who understands the statistics that the Department of Education puts out (that is a 100% accurate made up statement), and our prison system is so bad that the Department of Justice is considering turning Georgia into a penal colony again (which would elevate the state’s status from being completely useless to semi-useless and be the first worthwhile institution in the state).

Admittedly on the fifth, we found out that Greece voted no on their referendum and is now going to plunge into a state of economic turmoil that even Keynes would be hesitant to touch. I guess regardless of how messed up things get we can always say that at least we are not Greece.

I imagine President Obama being briefed on the fourth of July and the conversation going something like this.

White House Staff: In today’s news the stock market has dipped 40%, we lost the key to all of our prisons, China has declared war on the United States, OPEC has banned all oil exports to the United States, and we have lost track of Joe Biden again.

President Obama: At least we aren’t Greece. *Sips home-brew beer (fireworks go off in the background, the Star Spangled Banner plays, and a Bald Eagle swoops across)

So there we have it. America is the greatest country on earth and will remain to be simply because every other country is just slightly more messed up than us…that is unless you live in Best Korea.